The Tale of the Magical Whose-E-Whats-It
by kjwrit
Summary: A childish and immature way for me to vent a little steam over my frustrations with both the show and the books. One Shot.


**This is just a bunch of nonsense stemmed from my frustration with both the books and the show. Keep in mind this is a PARODY and a lot like a Comedy Central Roast in that I take pot shots at both the characters and the actors who portray them. If you don't keep up with the real life gossip then you might not get some of the jokes, but...I hope you get a laugh or two anyways.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own them.**

The Tale of the Magical Whose-E-Whats-It

"Run!"

Eric's feet automatically moved towards the door watching Billith rise up from the Bill goo, but when he realized Sookie wasn't moving with him he stopped. Certain she could only be frozen in shock, he grabbed her arm and said, "We must go! Now!"

"But," she whined with one hand reaching for her former lover. "But…_Beeeeeelll_…"

"Are you shitting me?" Eric asked stone faced. "Are you _shitting me_, Sookie?"

He had been sure she'd been shitting him when she'd told him she still loved Bill after he'd regained his memories. Just like he had been sure the witch Marnie had been shitting him right before she'd stolen his memories.

He was learning though. Women often meant it when shitting on him.

With her eyes growing even wider seeing Eric's stupefied expression, she reached around and snaked her hand down the back of her pants, sounding utterly horrified as she asked, "Am I?"

Billith scented the air for shit, but with his nostrils still forming from Lil-Bill blood, he was unable to and ended up snorting out a giant blood clot. It landed with a splat at Sookie's feet and both she and Eric stared down at it in disgust, while Billith turned even redder from his embarrassment. Ever the opportunist, Eric turned back to Sookie and asked with a smirk, "Still think he's hot?"

Checking her hand and feeling relieved to find it shit free, Sookie looked back at Billith. Her first lover. Her first love.

Only to find Sam standing in her path.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him, both feeling and sounding confused.

"I don't know," he replied, looking just as confused. "I was looking for Luna and then all of the sudden I ended up here."

His eyes traveled over the naked and blood covered Billith beside him, but he didn't think much of it. Vampires were a crazy bunch of mother fuckers and he'd always suspected Sookie was in to some kinky ass shit to want to be with them.

"Hey!" she snapped at him. "I heard that! I can _hear_ your thoughts, you know. In case you _forgot_!"

"How could I _forget_?" he snapped back.

As if _anyone_ who knew about Sookie's ability could forget _that_.

"I don't know," she snapped back and added, "You forgot to put _clothes_ on, so who's the kinky one _now_?"

"Whatever," Sam huffed, putting his hand up like he was stopping traffic. "You don't understand the supernatural world. I'm gonna go look for Luna."

"_Whatever_," Sookie mocked in return. "While you're at it why don't you shift your dick into something bigger than a Milk Bone, Pupperoni. Maybe then she wouldn't be hiding from you."

"You're such a bitch!" he called out over his shoulder, covering the two morsels and tiny Snausage in between his legs with his hand.

"That would be _your shifter girlfriend_," she yelled back. "I'm a _human_."

"You're _not_!" Sam yelled back right before he turned the corner of the hallway.

Sookie's pissed off eyes landed on Eric, who shook his head and reaffirmed, "You're not."

She gasped in outrage and then turned to face Billith who was marveling over his newly formed fingers. But sensing her gaze upon him, he shook his head slightly in the negative to show he too agreed with them.

"Fuck all y'all," she huffed.

"You have," Eric offered. "At least those of us still left in the room. It's why we're still standing here waiting for you to make a decision."

"Oh! Right," she nodded and then began scrutinizing Billith to see if she could still love him in his new goopy and demonic form.

Seeing he was now being sized up, Billith flexed his chest and arms, striking a pose worthy of any bodybuilding champion. He even made sure to clench his ass cheeks and turned slightly to give her the best view possible, but by doing so he had inadvertently forced air out of his still forming Billith buttocks.

A sound akin to Jell-O being forced out of a douche bag reverberated in the air around them. Eric's barking laughter soon followed, drowning out Sookie's, "Eewww…"

But Billith was surprised by both the sound and the tickle in between his ass cheeks, causing him to slip in his puddle of goo and fall to the ground. Hearing their now combined laughter and feeling humiliated, Billith showed his fangs once more and hissed in their direction.

Seeing the literal steam coming from his ears – and ass cheeks – Eric turned to Sookie and asked, "_Now_ can we run?"

"Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?" she called out over her shoulder, already out the door and halfway down the hallway by the time her words reached his ears.

While Billith continued to struggle, slipping and sliding his way across the floor and leaving behind an artistic masterpiece worthy of any gorilla holding a paint brush, Eric and Sookie made their way up and out of the Authority's headquarters. Eric put out the call to everyone for them to meet up at Fangtasia, so they could come up with a plan to defeat the bootyloquacious Billith.

By the time Jason arrived at the bar a large crowd had already gathered, given the full parking lot. But he didn't give it a second thought as he strode up to the door and attempted to enter when an unfamiliar vamp who was acting as a bouncer stopped him.

"Don't you know who I am?" he asked.

The vampire merely stared at him without saying a word, so Jason repeated his question more slowly and much louder, figuring this guy might not speak any English.

"DON'T. YOU. KNOW. WHO. _I_. AM?"

Still, the vampire did not acknowledge him and their stare down didn't end until another patron made their way to the door. The vampire smiled and greeted her with an amiable, "Rosie," as he lifted the red velvet rope and allowed the Bon Temps Sheriff Department's secretary to enter the bar unhindered.

"You know who _Rosie_ is, but you ain't got a clue who _I_ am?" Jason indignantly huffed.

The vampire only shrugged, so Jason skulked away in embarrassment. He made his way around the back of the building and entered through the open backdoor, but not wanting to draw any attention to himself he sat in a darkened corner near the edge of the stage next to Alcide.

"Dude," he gawked. "Why is it near e'ery time I see you, you ain't got a shirt on?"

"The chicks dig it," he shrugged.

Glancing further down Alcide's near naked body, Jason asked, "And why do you got a bunch of dollar bills hanging outta your…what is that, dude? _A thong?_"

Alcide shrugged again and gestured to the stage, saying, "It seemed like a good idea at the time. There's something about being on stage that's addictive. I gave it a go on the stripper pole at first, but whenever I see a microphone, I can't help myself. I _have_ to sing Broadway show tunes. It's like it's a magic mic." Glancing down at his naked torso, he pulled a dollar bill from his gold satin penis purse and admitted, "These are from them paying me to stop singing."

Jason could see the sadness in his eyes, but seeing something else that held his interest even more he asked, "Hey! Can I have one?"

"Sure," Alcide sighed. He reached over and grabbed another from the pile beside him, handing Jason his own Magnum Gold ice cream bar and saying, "I have a whole room full of them."

While the two ate in silence, the bar was rapidly filling up. Sookie and Eric were trying to make their way to where Pam and Tara were seated in a booth, but it was difficult because Rosie kept intercepting their path. Frustrated, Sookie finally snapped at her, "What are you doing?"

"Oh," she smiled. "I'm just trying to make sure I'm seen walking with Eric. That way if anyone takes a picture people will speculate we're an item and wonder who I am."

"That…" Sookie stuttered. "That's just _stupid_!"

Wanting to move things along, Eric readjusted his sunglasses and ignored the shouting paparazzi as he paused long enough for them to get their shot of him and Rosie together. When she left them, now satisfied she would be Googled to the extreme, Eric turned to Sookie and explained, "It's a fact of life. Any woman pictured with me is automatically assumed to be fucking me."

Sookie merely rolled her eyes and resumed her path towards Pam and Tara with Eric right behind her, but stopped short again when Sam all but poofed out of thin air in front of her.

"What?" she stuttered again, bumping into his flannel clad wiry frame. "Why the hell do you keep popping up in front of me?"

"I don't know," he shrugged and scratched his head like a beagle with a flea infestation. "It's weird though. Kinda like maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. Like maybe _we_ were meant to be together. Don't ya think?"

"Uh…_no_," she quickly replied. And seeing the tiny circus jumping around on his scalp, she backed away and into Eric's flea free body, asking, "Whose universe?"

Because in _her_ mind, that could only happen in the Universe of Fuckedupness.

Sam didn't respond, too busy chewing on the skin of his forearm, so Sookie gave him a wide berth and continued on towards the tables. Seeing the two of them sitting side by side in the booth and feeling his connection to Tara through his connection to Pam, Eric stopped at the end of the table and glared down at Pam asking for the third time that night, "Are you shitting me?"

"What?" she asked, because he of all people should know vampires don't shit. Pam would even deny ever having done so as a human.

"Are. You. Shitting. Me?" he repeated, sounding very much like Jason. When Pam's only response was a blank expression, he clarified, "You turned _her_? You made that sanctimonious loud mouthed bitch _your_ child?"

Pam wasn't about to go down for this alone, so she threw Sookie under the bus with nothing more than a jutted chin in her direction.

Picking up what Pam was putting down, Eric turned his glare onto Sookie and asked, "The fuck? You couldn't just let her die?"

"Of course I couldn't let her die, Eric!" Sookie glared back in return, looking and sounding completely unrepentant. She threw herself down onto the empty seat and yelled, "Haven't you figured it out already? People can shit on me left and right and I'll always forgive them! I'll always stick my nose into business that has nothing to do with me and without any regard for anyone else. I will always do what _I_ think is best. Did _I _know Tara would hate being a vampire? Yes! Do _I_ care? No! _I_ didn't want her to die, so _I_ did what I had to do to keep her alive. This is _my life_ and the world revolves around _me_. It's an ongoing theme. Get in the game or get the hell out."

He couldn't deny it. Sookie was a selfish creature. It made him wonder why in the hell he kept saving her ungrateful ass. But he didn't having the time to dwell on it any further when his sister Nora walked up to them. Eric gave her a look, hoping she would pick up what he was undoubtedly throwing down, and slid into the booth next to Sookie. But Sookie too seemed to pick it up and asked, "What? What's that look?"

"What look?" Eric asked, suddenly interested in the grain of the wooden tabletop, while Nora seemed to become spellbound by a blank spot on the wall behind them.

Her eyebrow arched hearing Pam's poorly muffled snicker, so she asked, "Did you two have your _picture_ taken together or something? Is _your sister_ your latest maybe _fuck_ buddy?"

"Maybe?" Eric shrugged. But hearing Sookie pulling in air she would undoubtedly unleash on him in the form of a ranting and raving hypocritical lunatic, he quickly added, "Pictures! I meant _pictures_!" Sitting up he scoffed out, "_Me_ and _Nora?_ _My sister?_" and quickly schooled his features into one of disgust before shaking his head and saying, "You've been hanging out with too many rednecks, lover." Sookie studied his face for what felt like forever before she finally looked away, allowing Eric to give his fuckable sister the side-eye glance that told her to walk the fuck away.

He didn't have time for this shit right now. Nor did he lie to Sookie because he hadn't actually denied fucking his sister. And not wanting to give Sookie the opportunity to figure that out, he changed the subject by turning to the crowd and yelling, "Silence!"

When the only sounds left to be heard were the crinkle of ice cream wrappers and Jason's and Alcide's slurping from beside the stage, Eric explained to everyone what had happened back at the Authority. How Bill had drank all of Lilith's blood and became Billith. How he was effervescent in both sight and sound.

Once the snickers died down and more ice cream bars were passed around the room, as a group they all brainstormed on ways to end him. A stake through the heart could conceivably pass right through his gelatinous form. The same could be said of wooden bullets and silver nets. Even Sookie's sunshine hands might only serve to make him more powerful, if not a bit crispy.

"If this were one of my lame books we would have some sort of deus ex machina that could save us all," Sookie mused aloud when the silence grew unbearable.

"Sookie!" Eric exclaimed excitedly. "I can't believe you know that term, but aside from that, that's it!"

Deciding she'd pay Eric back for his slight later on by singing to him, she let it slide for now and asked, "What's it?"

"A deus ex machina!" Eric exclaimed again. "A god from the machine. Surely your fairy kin have some sort of magical Billith eradicator we could borrow."

She didn't know if they treated their magic stash like a library they could arbitrarily check things out of, but it was certainly worth a shot. After all, they had magic fruit that kept you in fairy land forever, so why not a magic bullet?

Ooohhh…Maybe it was _the fairies_ who killed JFK!

She decided she'd ask about that later and once Sookie made some calls, they all agreed to meet up in the field where their hidden Aladdin area resided. As soon as they approached the scent of something acrid filled their noses and the vampires immediately stopped taking air into their lungs. A huge bonfire lit up the night sky and as they got closer, Sookie was able to see stacks and stacks of cardboard boxes off to one side. But before she could reach them she tripped and fell to the ground.

Over Sam, who was once again in her path.

"The fuck, Sam?" she asked. "Now I'm gonna need a flea dip!"

"Nah," he smiled and swiped his hand across the back of his neck. Showing her his now oily fingers he smiled and said, "Advantage. Takes care of ticks too."

"You're so gross, Sam," Sookie huffed while pulling herself to her feet. "Quit getting in my way!"

"_I'm_ not _doing_ it!" he answered. "One minute I'm in the bathroom in my trailer trying to make sure I get the medicine onto the back of my neck and the next I'm here with you. What does that tell ya, Sook?" When she had no answer, he gave her one by saying, "It's fate! Like God himself wants us to be together!"

"Well then God needs to stop adding Everclear to His Kool-Aid," she snapped. Poking him in his flannel chest, she stated unequivocally, "_You_ and _me_? It ain't _never_ gonna happen. You're like my brother to me. Dumb as a box of rocks sometimes and the poster boy for Pro-Choice, but I love you anyways. _Like a brother_."

"Yeah, yeah," he nodded, waving her off like she was the one who was drunk. "You can't fight _fate_, Sook. So just keep on tryin'. I'll still be here waitin' on ya."

Sookie's eyes rolled so hard they looked like a slot machine, but she ignored him and finally made her way to the crowd standing beside the huge fire. A group of fairies were standing to one side tossing what looked like books into the huge blaze and Sookie ran over to them asking in horror, "What are you doing?"

Burning books was wrong and so 1960's, but for all she knew they'd been in their tent for like an hour and it had in fact _been_ 1960 when they were last in her world. So maybe they didn't know people didn't do that kind of shit anymore.

"These books are so horrible the smell of them when burned is able to keep vampires from breathing in our fairy scent. It is to keep us safe," the nearest fairy explained.

"Oh," she replied, feeling torn. While she didn't agree with burning books of any kind, she certainly didn't want all of the fairies drained by the vampires. Seeing the towering stacks of boxes, she asked "Where did you get them all?"

The fairy shrugged and answered, "They were outside of a nearby Amazon distribution center. The dumpsters were overflowing with them. This isn't even a quarter of what they were throwing away."

She glanced down at the colorful artwork on the book's cover and barely made out the back of the blond girl and the word 'Dead' before it too was thrown into the fire. Sookie felt bad, but she couldn't argue with their logic.

They really did smell horrible. She couldn't imagine what the book could've contained to make that kind of stench and was just happy she'd never wasted her time or money to read it.

Seeing Eric eying up her cousin Claudette and likely remembering how tasty her sister Claudine had been, Sookie quickly made her way to their side. Claudette handed Sookie a baby and shoved another into Eric's arms, before attaching each of the remaining quadruplets to each of her breasts and asked, "What do you want Sookie? I'm tired and my tits are sore. And where the fuck is Andy? He better not be off with that Holly while I'm stuck here acting like I'm a dairy farm!"

Sookie wondered if perhaps magical mushrooms were also a part of the fairies' diets, but ignored her weirdness and said, "Thank you for meeting with us Claudette. We're really grateful and all. And you guys are really smart to have figured out a way for the vamps to be here too without snacking on y'all."

Claudette was too tired and too hormonal to deal with Sookie's gushing, so she let her know by saying, "Sookie! Get on with it! My tits are losing a liter of milk an hour and probably twice as much blood in between my legs. Do you have any idea what birthing four babies at once will do to your snatch? Trust me! You don't want to know! There's no magic that can fix that!"

Apparently that kind of blood – fairy or not – held no interest to vampires and Eric grimaced before he hid his eyes with the baby still in his arms. Sookie tried to keep the one in her arms from latching onto her nipple through her shirt and said, "Oh…um…okay. Well then, we'll try to make this short." Staring back at the beleaguered fairy, she asked, "Do y'all have some sort of magical fairy vamp killing jigamabob we can borrow?"

"A what?" she asked, while wondering what in the hell her uncle was thinking by fucking some redneck and bringing _this_ kind of fuckery into their bloodline.

Her Bellefleur babies, of course, were exempt from said fuckery.

Sookie quickly tried to explain Billith, with Eric adding in the occasional clarifier muffled by the baby still hiding his face, before they played a game of round robin, passing the babies off once more so the other two could eat. And when they were done explaining as best they could, and with Eric and Sookie struggling to burp the now full babies they held, Claudette nodded disinterestedly. She leaned down and rooted through one of the diaper bags at her side before pulling out an object she then handed over to Sookie and said, "Here. This should do the trick."

"What is it?" she asked, taking it from Claudette's hands and then grimacing when the fairy baby in her arms began slobbering all over it.

"A cluviel dor," Claudette sighed.

"A whose-e-whats-it?" Sookie asked, wiping the baby's slobber off onto her jeans.

"_A cluviel dor_," Claudette snapped and added, "It doesn't fucking matter what it's called. You wanted something that will killith Billith? You're holding it in your hand. It has the power to grant any wish, but it can only be used once. So use it wisely."

Before Sookie could fully register Claudette's explanation, Jason – who had been standing a ways back from the fire to keep his ice cream bars from melting – came rushing over to them. Shoving a full bar into his mouth in order to free one of his hands, he attempted to snatch the slobbery magical item from his sister, saying, "Gib me at!"

"Jason!" Sookie yelled, and smacked his hand away. "What are you doing?"

Quickly finishing what was left the ice cream bar in his mouth, he said, "She said you could get any wish you want. I want my own never ending supply of ice cream bars!"

Hearing Jason's words – but ignoring his asinine wish – Sookie turned back to Claudette and asked, "Could I wish away my telepathy?"

"No," she answered with another roll of her eyes.

"Could I wish my Gran back to life?" she asked again.

"Only if you wouldn't mind having her as a zombie."

Well…

No…

No, Sookie decided. She was selfish, of course, and missed her Gran, but she didn't want to have to follow along behind her with a broom and dustpan for the rest of her life, sweeping up whatever little bits of her fell off.

But feeling perturbed that the whose-e-whats-it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, she said, "So it can't take away my telepathy, but it can kill Billith? You're _sure_?"

"Believe me. Don't believe me. I don't give a shit Sookie."

The fairy baby in Sookie's arms gave a shit though. She could both hear and feel it forming in the diaper underneath her palm, so she handed the baby back and said, "Here you go. And thanks for the thingamajig."

She didn't see Claudette roll her eyes again. Nor did she see the commiserating look shared between Eric and the fairy all but saying, "Uh huh."

The meeting was breaking up now that they had the answer to their problems, but they halted their steps when a thunderous roar reached their ears. Having smelled the horrendous odor from all the way back at the Authority once he'd made it to ground level, Billith was certain it was Sookie.

She'd finally shit herself.

He was sure of it.

So he followed the stench all the way to the field and dropped down from the sky landing right in the middle of the departing crowd, roaring out, "I AM BILLITH! ALL HAIL ME!"

Because seriously. He was _Billith_.

When no one moved a muscle and with Billith standing so close to the fire, the smell of fried chicken began to fill the air. Figuring he needed just one to come hail him before the others would fall into line, he called out to the one who always returned to him no matter what he did, saying, "Sookeh. Come to me darling."

And she did. With the magical thingamajig that couldn't take away her telepathy but could make her Gran a zombie clutched in her fist behind her back, she began walking towards her first lover.

And her first betrayer.

But seeing her take that fateful step towards him and not knowing about magical thingamajigs, Sam quickly darted in front of her with the stick he'd been playing fetch with in his hands. Flying like a ninja through the air, he jabbed it right into Billith's heart.

But Billith didn't have a heart. Some might argue he never did.

So he easily pulled the chewed wood from his chest with one hand while catching Sam by the throat with the other and Jason could be heard snickering out, "Man…when the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris. Sam ain't no Chuck Norris."

"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars," another called out into the crowd. "It's why there're no signs of life!"

"Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors!" someone else added.

"Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land!"

The Chuck Norris jokes spread through the crowd quicker than the flames ate up the books, but hearing someone ask if there was a nearby KFC got Billith's attention once more. Holding Sam out in front of him and shaking his arm to try and dislodge the fleas now jumping onto his skin, he eyed the crowd before shoving the wooden stick into Sam's heart.

Sookie screamed and ran forward seeing her boss and sometimes annoying friend gasping his last breaths as he lay in a heap on the ground. She knelt down next to him and seeing the strange thingamajig in her hand, he asked, "What's that?"

She thought it weird for him to use his dying breaths on something like that, but not wanting to deny him, she answered, "It's a magic whose-e-whats-it." Turning her glare back on Claudette, she added "I can make _almost_ any wish I want come true."

"Oh," he gasped and then looked at the stick in his chest before looking back at the magic whose-e-whats-it. Since Sookie didn't move, he shimmied closer to her hand and gave her a look saying, "Well? You gonna help me out here Sook? You know it's fate. You have that and I'm about to die. You can save me."

"Oh," Sookie replied softly and became very interested in the blades of grass. "Sam, I…um…" She paused again – for a long time waiting for the death rattle that just wasn't coming quick enough for her – so she finally sighed, "Wanna be a vamp?"

Pam and Eric quickly darted from her sight when she looked up into the crowd, but Sam's voice drew her eyes back down as he snarled, "No! I'd rather die!"

"Alright," she sighed and pulled herself back up to her feet. "Who did you leave the bar to? Are they gonna give me a bunch of shit every time I miss a shift without callin'?"

"Sook?" he forced out of his mouth, feeling death's grip on him. "You're not gonna use that to save me?"

"Sam," she sighed again and hid her rolling eyes from him. "Even if we were _fate_ – which we're _not_ – you'd have to die someday. Better now than when you're old and pissing sideways, huh?"

His only reply was the death rattle that had finally come about, so with that taken care of she turned and faced Billith. Hearing she now possessed a magic whose-e-whats-it, Billith wanted it. He always seemed to want whatever Sookie had to give and she always gave it to him, so he had no reason to think now would be any different.

"Darling," he purred, while his backside snapped, crackled, and popped. "With what you hold, together we could rule the world."

"We could" she agreed and put an extra sway into her hips as she strode towards him.

Eric looked sufficiently beaten down while Pam whispered, "I told you so's," into his ear, so everyone but Sookie was surprised when she said, "But we won't." Slamming the whose-e-whats-it against Billith's chest, she closed her eyes and said her wish aloud.

"Die!"

And then she cracked open one eye, adding, "For good. Like really _really_ dead this time. No take backs!"

And so came the end of Billith.

For good this time.

Sam too.

No take backs.

**Thanks for reading!**


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